Innocence and Instinct
by FeedtheFlames
Summary: Arthur and Merlin are rescued after being captured. Now Arthur must deal with the nightmares from his torture, but he discovers his nightmare is only beginning when he must try and fix a suicidal Merlin. What happened to Merlin while they were captured and can Arthur deal with Merlin's demons along with his own? Rated M for multiple suicide attempts, not graphic. No slash.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: YAY! I am finally at the end of my week long hiatus and it is the day that all of you have been waiting for. October 8****th**** is here and so is my new story… Now I'll admit, I haven't finished this completely, however, it is already the longest story I have ever written both in words and in chapters. At the moment there are twenty chapters written and I plan to post every two to three days so I have plenty of time to finish writing the story and not keep you guys waiting.**

**I'm super excited to see how you guys like this story. It's the longest story I've ever worked on. It has been exactly three months and two days since I started writing it. I've put a lot of thought and effort into it and I really hope it shows. The title is based on one of my favorite albums with the same name by the band RED. Many of the ideas were inspired by their songs so if you want to hear some of my inspiration go ahead and check it out!**

**As the description states I'm rating this story M for multiple suicide attempts because I know this can be very disturbing for some people but I do not believe the story is graphic in any way. Prepare for drama and angst! I know you guys have all been waiting as have I so… on with the fic!**

~.~.~.~

_It was the largest and strangest cave he had ever been in, but it was also the most beautiful. The cavern stretched so high that Arthur could stand on four of his knights' shoulders and still not be able to reach the ceiling, and it stretched out into the distance so far it was hard to see the other side. But the part that really drew his attention was the crystals covering the walls, ceiling and even part of the floor. They were jagged and looked like they could be dangerous, but they emitted a beautiful light which danced across the walls and across Arthur himself like moonlight reflecting on a rippling lake. The light was beautiful and pure. It was. . . in a sense. . .innocence._

_Arthur felt at ease here, despite the fact that he had never seen this place before, it felt familiar and safe. In the distance, at the other side of the large cavern, stood two figures… Arthur couldn't make them out from where he stood, so he began to move closer. Before he could get very far however there was a shout. One figure stood with his arms stretched out, his whole body convulsing. Arthur's pace quickened through the jagged crystals. Suddenly the person seemed to explode, but instead of the gore that Arthur expected, only a thick, red, smoky substance floated through the air._

_He was close enough now and was surprised when he recognized the other person. It was Merlin; but who had been standing in front of him? The smoky substance bounced around frantically and seemed to become absorbed in the surrounding crystals. Then Merlin was screaming as the crystals turned from their beautiful blue to a deep angry red._

_Arthur was full out running now, but he couldn't seem to get close. In fact it seemed as though he was moving farther away. He reached a hand out to Merlin, screaming his name as his friend fell to his knees. Suddenly the red crystals exploded releasing the substance. A few moments later the force of the explosion hit Arthur, propelling him farther backwards. His last sight was of Merlin on his knees as the smoke surrounded him blocking him from Arthur's view. Arthur reached out a desperate hand towards his manservant and friend as he felt himself dragged away from the once peaceful place._

~.~.~.~

Arthur started from his slumber as the sound of a heavy bolt was slid away from its prison, signaling the entrance of someone into Arthur's own prison. His eyes flickered around anxiously, his mind still reeling from the incredibly vivid dream. It all came back in a rush: the patrol, the ambush, being separated from his knights but not from Merlin … not at first. Losing consciousness as he was bound and gagged. The panic he felt when he awoke without Merlin by his side, and the torture… the never ending torture of both mind and body that had been going on for what felt like weeks.

All of this came back to him before the door even began to creak open. Now, as he lay on the floor, he desperately wanted to crawl into a corner and curl up in a ball to protect his injured body, but he was too weak to do even that. He bit back a whimper, not wanting to give his captor, Garlock, the satisfaction.

He forced himself to watch as the door opened, the air left his lungs in a rush as the figure came to stand in front of him. "Merlin…" Arthur's voice came out in a raspy whisper.

"I'm here," Merlin said hesitating before kneeling at Arthur's side. Arthur felt relief crash down on his shoulders as he looked his manservant over. The young man looked tired and pale but otherwise seemed unharmed. The dream still plagued his mind, the last image of his friend crumpling to the ground in pain.

"Did they hurt you? Did they torture you?" Arthur asked desperately. "I heard screams." He wasn't sure if he was referring to the screams he heard every night after Garlock left or the screams he had heard in his dream. Both were horrible, but the ones from the dream were worse by far. It was like Merlin's very soul was being torn apart.

"No." Just one simple answer, no elaboration. Merlin wasn't looking at him. Arthur guessed that he was attending to the king's many wounds by the way he moved and how certain parts of Arthur's body flared with pain, but despite all the fog in his brain he couldn't help but feel Merlin was hiding something.

"What did they do to you?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper but strong nonetheless.

Merlin looked up at him, surprised. "Nothing, sire," he said. "Not a scratch on me. I guess they had bigger fish to fry." His servant gave him that cheeky grin, but still Arthur felt like Merlin wasn't telling him something. However, at the moment, it occurred to him that now might not be the best time to try and figure it out.

"How did you escape?" Arthur asked.

"I didn't escape so much as was rescued, sire. The knights are here." Merlin lifted Arthur's head slightly and Arthur could see the men standing outside the doorway. "See?" Arthur felt even more relief at the sight of his four closest friends and most trusted knights. Merlin lay his head back gently and continued to bandage his more severe wounds. Arthur couldn't even lift his head to see what they were, but he guessed from the intense pain that he had a serious injury to his right hand as well as one to his knee and left shoulder. The rest were superficial cuts and bruises meant to cause pain but not be life threatening. There were a lot of them however. "Garlock is gone." Arthur looked back at Merlin trying to figure out what he meant by "gone."

"He's not here?" Arthur asked.

Merlin looked at him gravely. "He's dead." And by the haunted look in the young man's eye, Arthur decided not to press the matter further. Good riddance! "He won't be hurting you again," Merlin added lastly. There was still something in his voice… something that was off, but Arthur only barely heard it and was in too much pain to really pay attention to it.

"Percival," Merlin called, and the strong knight entered the cell. The man didn't hesitate to pick up his king and gently place him across his shoulder, carrying Arthur out the door and through a number of twisting hallways. It was at this time, Arthur guessed, that he blacked out.

~.~.~.~

When Arthur came to he was in his own bed. There were many people surrounding him: Gaius, Gwen, his knights, and Merlin in the back corner. He had a feeling he had been asleep a long time because the room let out a collective sigh of relief.

"What happened?" he asked.

"You were captured by an evil sorcerer." Gwaine stated a smile on the knight's face. "And we rescued you."

"How long have I been unconscious?" he asked, brushing off Gwaine's explanations.

It was Gaius who answered. "A week, sire."

_A week._ It was hard to believe that a whole week of his life was gone. "We were not sure you were going to make it. You're injuries were extensive."

"Can't get rid of me that easily," Arthur stated trying to smile, but he was sure the whole room could see the shudder that passed through his body as he was reminded briefly of the torture he had endured.

Arthur closed his eyes and rubbed them, then opened them once again and looked around the room. They were all still there; good, he wasn't dreaming. But now someone was missing. Somewhere in the short conversation, Merlin had slipped out.

Arthur frowned, that wasn't like his manservant.

"He needs his rest," Gaius stated, and the knights all gave him their fond farewells and get well wishes before leaving.

Soon it was just Arthur and his beautiful wife. "How's Merlin?" he asked. "Did they hurt him?"

His wife looked a little surprised by the question; not surprised that Arthur would ask but as though she hadn't thought of it yet. That was strange for Guinevere. Arthur must have indeed been severely injured if she was too distracted to check on Merlin. "He seemed unharmed when you arrived. In all honesty I was so focused on you that I left his care to Gaius and Gwaine. You know if there was anything wrong, the two of them would discover it."

Arthur nodded, and that helped him relax slightly. Still, he felt uneasy. "Could you send for him? He slipped out before I could talk to him."

Gwen smiled proudly down at her husband before nodding and kissing his brow. She strode across the room giving him one parting look before talking to a guard outside the door and walking down to find Merlin. Arthur smiled; he knew part of her wanted to make sure Merlin was alright as well, now that she no longer had to worry about Arthur.

A little while later, Merlin came in. Arthur had managed to prop himself up in his bed and was feeling much better already. In the week that he had slept many of his injuries had healed, even if the mental ones would take a lot longer. When he looked at his hand he saw a puncture mark that seemed to go all the way through at one point, but it was just a scab on either side of his hand now. His knee hadn't been as badly injured as he had thought, and Arthur had no doubt he would be up and about on it soon. His shoulder was the worst, but even that had healed tremendously, enough that he didn't even need it in a sling.

Merlin walked in but not right up to the bed. He smiled at Arthur keeping his distance. If nothing else, this made Arthur more certain that something was wrong. "Merlin." he greeted.

"Sire." Merlin responded.

They stared at each other awhile. "It's good to see you awake." Merlin said softly.

Arthur stared at his friend, scrutinizing him. "What's wrong?" he asked.

Merlin's head shot up. "Nothing." He lied.

"Merlin, we've known each other for years. I think I can tell when you're lying to me." Merlin looked guilty, and Arthur almost smiled smugly, but instead turned a scolding but concerned look at his manservant. "He did something to you, didn't he?"He didn't have to explain who 'he' was.

"No." Merlin insisted but didn't look at Arthur now. "He didn't do anything to me. He came in and… talked… to me, but that's all he did, I swear."

Arthur was glaring at his manservant now. "What did he say to you?" he asked.

Merlin stared at Arthur, thinking, as if trying to decide what to say. "Oh you know… 'Your king's a prat' and 'He deserves to die,' and all that other vengeful stuff."

Arthur blinked, suddenly feeling very tired. His mind felt foggy but he couldn't imagine sleeping any longer. He watched Merlin standing there shifting from one foot to the other.

"If that's all, sire…" He trailed off waiting for Arthur to dismiss him.

Arthur blinked again trying to remember why he had called Merlin there in the first place. The young man was obviously alright, not injured.

"Alright you can go." he said.

Merlin smiled and walked to the door but stopped when he was halfway out.

"Arthur?" he asked.

Arthur looked at him still trying to clear his foggy brain.

"Thank you."

Arthur frowned. If anything, he should be thanking Merlin for helping to save him. "For what?"

Merlin shrugged. "For… everything. You're a good king." he stated. Arthur just stared at him clarity returning. Something was definitely wrong, but before he could comment on it Merlin gave him one last look and left.

Arthur froze in his bed, paralyzed for a moment, because those words almost sounded like a goodbye.

~.~.~.~

It took Arthur a little while, but he managed to struggle out of bed. As he had noticed earlier, most of his wounds were well on their way to healing. He cursed Merlin for making him get out of bed. He had enough things to deal with right now without having to worry about a perplexing servant.

He knew if Gwen came back in at that moment she would be scolding him within an inch of his life, but he needed to check on Merlin, and no one else could convince him otherwise. Arthur staggered out the door after painfully dressing himself in something other than his nightclothes. He managed to pull himself together enough to fool his guards into thinking he was alright.

The walk to Gaius' and Merlin's chambers was a lot longer than he remembered, and he prayed that he didn't come across anyone that would send him back to bed. His knights, he was fairly sure, he could talk his way around; Gaius or his wife, on the other hand, probably not.

Surprisingly, he didn't run into Gaius; not even when he entered their chambers. The physician must have been out tending to someone, or perhaps he had gone to look in on Arthur and they had missed each other.

He looked around; everything was quiet. "Merlin?" He called towards the back room, but there was no response.

Arthur was just about to turn and leave when he heard a crash and a thump. He froze for a moment and then moved more quickly than he thought his injuries would allow. Racing up the steps, he burst into the rear chamber and felt like he was being tortured all over again at the sight that he saw.

There on the ground lay Merlin, pale as death and not breathing.

**AN: Suspenseful? I hope so! This chapter is probably going to be one of the longer ones, most of my chapters are between 1k and 2k. So don't expect chapters this long all the time, only occasionally. Please leave me a review because I'm super excited to see everyone's reactions!**

**God bless!**

**FeedtheFlames**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: So I decided to update a day early because it was the first chapter and I don't think people are really into the story yet.**

**Also I thought I should let you guys know that I don't really respond to reviews often but I want to thank everyone who does review!**

**Anyway so here's the next chapter, a little more angsty, a little more bromance, hope you like it!**

_There on the ground lay Merlin, pale as death and not breathing._

Arthur was at Merlin's side in seconds, screaming for Gaius, hoping the physician was close by or soon would be. "Merlin…" He took the man's face in his hands. His skin was already cold and clammy. "Merlin…" he called again. "MERLIN!" Arthur shouted, and the young man's eyes blinked open as he gasped raggedly.

"Arthur…" Merlin wheezed, his voice choked and raspy. He coughed painfully. "What?" He sounded confused.

"What happened?" Arthur asked as Merlin continued to struggle to breathe. Merlin's eyes flickered to his right, his hand already stretched out in that direction, and Arthur looked over, reaching out with one hand to pick up a small bottle that had rolled across the floor. The paper said some name of a potion that Arthur didn't recognize, but it had a skull and crossbones drawn on it. Arthur's eyes widened as he gaped at the bottle before shouting again, "GAIUS!"

"Who did this to you?" he asked turning back to Merlin. Merlin looked up at him with pain filled eyes that soon leaked with tears. Tears which ran over Arthur's fingers as Merlin's lungs fought for air.

"M' S'rry." Merlin murmured and then went limp again in Arthur's hands, though still breathing, if more and more shallowly.

"No…" Arthur murmured. "MERLIN!" he shouted, but this time his manservant didn't awake. "GAIUS! HELP! ANYBODY HELP!" His voice was desperate, and he realized tears were pricking his own eyes as Merlin's face blurred in his view. He was losing him. He had thought the nightmare was over, that they were both home and safe, but now it seemed he had stumbled into an even worse nightmare. "GAIUS!" he gave one last desperate shout. His voice broke, and he gasped. The air reached his lungs in a strangled noise dangerously close to a sob. Just as he was about to give up hope he heard the pounding of feet up the steps, and the air rushed out of him in relief.

Gaius was beside him in seconds. "What happened?"he asked, and Arthur handed him the bottle, hearing the physician gasp as he saw what the contents had been.

"Can you help him?" Arthur asked, his eyes swimming with tears he refused to shed.

Gaius ignored the question. "Quick! Help me get him to my chambers!" Arthur thought Gaius was talking to him and was just trying to figure out how he would do that with his injuries, when two strong arms came out of nowhere, lifting Merlin up. Arthur's gaze followed the arms up to the normally cheerful face of Sir Gwaine. Now his face was still and stony, his brows furrowed in determination, but his eyes brimmed with pain and fear.

He followed them into Gaius' chambers and tried to stay out of the way as Gaius moved around faster than Arthur thought was possible. "We need to get him to vomit up the poison." Gaius stated, finally returning with something. He pinched Merlin's nose and poured it in his mouth, clamping a hand under his chin until he was sure Merlin had swallowed most of it.

"Help me get him on his side." he instructed Gwaine and Arthur. Gwaine positioned himself at Merlin's shoulders and Arthur at his legs. Gaius held a bucket up to Merlin's head as the pale man's body convulsed and he began to wretch. Arthur couldn't help but wince and look away for a moment but was too concerned about his manservant to keep his eyes averted for very long.

It seemed to last forever, but finally Merlin's body seemed to relax underneath his palms. Gaius wasn't finished though. He raced around the room mixing potions which he made Merlin drink and even at one point used leeches trying to get out most of the poison from his bloodstream.

When he was finished, he sat down beside Merlin with a sigh. "Now all we can do is wait." he stated, breathing deeply and dabbing at his brow with a handkerchief. Merlin still looked pale, his brow was sweating, but he seemed to be breathing a little easier.

Gwaine turned to Arthur. "What happened?" he asked. There was no malice in the knight's tone, just a need to know the truth and the desire to hunt down whoever had done this to Merlin. Arthur felt the same way but had no answers.

"I don't know. I found him like that." Arthur stated, and even though he was sitting beside the bed now, he felt his hands and arms start to shake. After all he had been through, he didn't think he would be able to handle losing his closest friend.

"Sire," the physician's tone sounded patronizing, and Arthur knew what was coming next. He didn't look at him. "What are you doing out of bed?"

"Merlin… he was acting strange… I wanted to check on him." he stated, lifting his head up to glance at Gaius and Gwaine.

"Gwen, I'm sure, would have been happy to check on him for you sire, though I'm pleased that she was saved from finding him in this state." Gaius' voice was still reprimanding, but gentler now.

"I needed to see for myself that he was alright. After what we went through..." Arthur trailed off quietly, his hand shaking as he brought it up to his mouth and then dragged it across his eyes. Something Gaius said caused him to stiffen. His eyes flashed towards the men seated next to him. "Gwen… she'll be wondering where I am."

"I'll find her." Gwaine stated. "Tell her you're alright."

He took one last look around the room as if to make sure there were no intruders. "Lock the door behind me, will you, Gaius? Just in case."

Gaius hesitated, and looked like he was going to say something, but only nodded and followed the man out. "I'll be back as soon as I tell her." he stated.

Gaius returned and sat down next to Merlin. Arthur was on the opposite side of Merlin's bed.

"Is he going to make it?" Arthur asked.

Gaius hesitated. "His body needs to fight off the poison still, but yes, I think he will. It's a good job you found him when you did, sire. If we had been even a few minutes, later there would have been nothing I could do."

Arthur shivered again at the thought. "Who would have done this Gaius?" he asked. "And did Merlin know? He was acting very odd."

Gaius frowned. "He hasn't seemed that different since he returned, sire. His worry for you had dampened his spirits some, but nothing he did seemed out of the ordinary. He hasn't told me anything about what happened, though I have had many questions. I'm afraid tending to you, I may have neglected searching out the answers. It's possible that Merlin was more scarred by the capture than I believed."

Arthur stared at the man, not sure what he was implying. "What are you trying to say?" he asked.

Gaius stared at him a moment before answering with a question of his own. "Was there anyone you met coming out of the room?"

"No." Arthur stated.

"Did he ingest the poison from a drink? Or did he take it straight from the bottle?"

Arthur didn't like where this line of thinking was going, but he answered anyway. "There was no drink , just the bottle."

"It is unlikely that someone forced him to drink it, Arthur, I fear that he may have…"

"No!" Arthur practically shouted before Gaius could continue. He didn't need to hear that; he had enough of his own demons to deal with without having to deal with Merlin's as well. "No… he wouldn't." Arthur stated. "Not Merlin."

"He is human like anyone else, Arthur." Gaius continued gently, "Who knows what Garlock did to him in those cells? He may not have returned with any physical injuries, but magic is very powerful and sometimes leaves no visible scars." Gaius sounded weary even now after having caught his breath.

Arthur knew that for a fact. He could feel the scars on his own heart and soul. What the sorcerer had done to him in those cells was probably something he would never tell anyone, but he didn't feel like killing himself. He was free now, and so was Merlin. What could that sorcerer have done to Merlin to make him think that his life should end even after being free? Garlock had already taken so much from Arthur, was he still trying to break him even after his death?

A strangled gasp jerked Arthur out of his musings. "What?" Merlin breathed looking around. "What…" he repeated as though he couldn't find words to complete his question.

"You were poisoned, Merlin." Arthur told him glancing at Gaius as though challenging him to say otherwise. "Gaius was able to save you, but just barely. Who did this to you?" he asked, the urgency of his emotions reaching the tone of his voice.

Merlin's eyes finally latched onto Arthur's, and then he started breathing fast. "No… No… nonono…" He brought his shaking hands up to his head and continued to moan. "No, no, no… I can't… I can't…" The man was suddenly sobbing uncontrollably and his breathing was far too fast. Gaius was up and moving around again as Arthur reached out a hand to calm the servant.

"No! Don't touch me!" Merlin shied away from Arthur and stared at him with wide eyes. His voice was filled with pleading and dread, not malice or contempt. Arthur stared at his servant's wide eyes, eyes full of fear and sadness. "No." Merlin continued to chant the one syllable word over and over again in between gasping large gulps of air.

He suddenly curled up in a ball and continued to groan and cry. "Gaius?" Arthur called, still not touching Merlin, afraid to after his outburst.

Gaius came back with a cup which he helped Merlin to drink. "It will help you sleep, lad." Gaius stated. Merlin took the cup reluctantly and then collapsed onto the bed, his breathing evening out, his eyes closing very slowly. Arthur began to relax, but Merlin just then looked at him with eyes full of regret.

"You should have just let me die." he whispered before falling asleep, and Arthur felt like someone had just punched a hole in his stomach. His worst fears were becoming truth and this new nightmare was just beginning.

**AN: As always, love reviews! Please leave some! Hope you liked it!**

**God bless!**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: So I believe some apologies and explanations are in order… I am so sorry it has taken so long to update! As I may have mentioned in some of my previous notes, this story is unfinished, I thought I was done writing this particular part but ended up having to go back and completely rewrite Chapter 3 because of something I added in a later chapter…**

**That being said, I don't like posting before I have finished writing the story and I know I said I was hoping to post every other day but it's going to be more like once a week now, at least until the story is finished which will hopefully be soon.**

**Thanks to all those who left reviews and who are sticking with this story, I hope to finish it quickly so that I can start updating more quickly as well. Hope you enjoy the next chapter!**

~.~.~.~

When Gwaine returned with the queen, the expressions he saw on Arthur's and Gaius' faces were so despairing that his eyes flashed immediately to Merlin, lying on the bed. He held his breath until he saw the sleeping figure's chest rise unsteadily. Once he was sure the man was still alive he turned his questioning eyes anxiously back to the red rimmed ones of Gaius.

Both men in the room looked like they had just lost something precious to them. Gaius, although composed, was clearly distraught, and Arthur looked like a broken man trying to hold himself together.

Arthur hadn't moved when Gwaine and Guinevere entered, but sat with his head down and his hands locked behind it, leaving Gwaine to wonder what had caused both men to be so shockingly distressed. Finally Gwaine could wait for the answer no longer.

"What happened, Gaius?" he asked worriedly.

Gaius took a deep breath but his voice still broke as he spoke. "It appears Merlin... tried to... take his own life."

Guinevere gasped loudly beside him, her hands flying up to cover her mouth. Emotions flew across Gwaine's face too quickly for even him to register, however, disbelief and confusion seemed to be the most prominent.

"No..." he said, but his voice made it sound more like a question than a denial.

"We can only assume that Garlock did something to him while he was captured; something that scarred him deeply." Gaius said sorrowfully.

Guinevere stepped forward to comfort her husband. Gwaine saw Arthur tense as her small hand touched his shoulder before his whole body relaxed. His hands came unclasped and he lifted his head to look at her. She wrapped her arms around him where he sat and stroked his hair.

Gwaine turned his head away from the intimate scene. It was beyond difficult seeing Arthur broken like this. He was their king, their leader. The people of Camelot looked up to him, and they needed his strength, and it had been Gwaine's job to protect him, a duty which he had failed. Because of that failure, two of Gwaine's closest friends were suffering.

Gwaine couldn't look at Merlin lying there... weak and frail. Merlin was like a younger brother to him, one who knew secrets that Gwaine hadn't told anyone else. He had immediately trusted Merlin upon first meeting him. Never before had he felt such an instantaneous bond of friendship. While Gwaine did not feel the same duty to protect Merlin as he did Arthur, he felt just as responsible for Merlin's safety, even if it was in a different way.

Gaius moved to sit down on the other side of Merlin, leaving Gwaine standing by the door. He approached the foot of the bed slowly, watching the grieving people around it. The image was blurry and he knew he was closer to losing it than he wanted to admit. He blinked back the tears and the image became clear as he focused on the man lying on the bed.

Merlin's skin was clammy and pale, his breathing coming in shaky gasps as he battled the poison in his system… the poison that he had willfully taken. Gwaine's breaths were coming faster and closer together as the image flashed through his mind. It felt like an iron hand had wrapped around his chest, making it impossible to breathe right.

It was his fault Arthur and Merlin were the way they were. The realization was sudden, even with the guilt he had been feeling for several weeks. He had believed that everything would be alright if he could just find Merlin and Arthur and bring them home. Now knowing that that was not true, the guilt was eating him alive, suddenly and completely.

"Gwaine? Are you alright?" Guinevere asked gently. It was a stupid question of course, none of them were alright; but he knew she was just being kind. Gwaine took a step back towards the door, shaking his head more to clear it than to answer Gwen's question.

"I need some air." Gwaine choked out, turning towards the door. His vision was fuzzy again. There was a loud crashing as his hip clipped a table and something tumbled to the floor with a crash. He held a hand out to Gwen who was standing and beginning to move towards him.

"I'm fine… sorry Gaius." he mumbled before continuing his almost drunken stagger out the door, leaving the broken jar on the floor. He couldn't remember ever feeling so trapped.

Gwaine staggered down the hall, his breath coming fast. He needed air! How the heck did you get out of this stupid castle anyway?

Finally he found the outer door and burst through it, into the crisp clear night air, taking in deep gulps. He felt dizzy as he leaned against the cold stone wall and braced his hands on his knees. Gwaine's mind was racing, guilt stalking him like a shadow in the night.

More than anything in the entire world Gwaine wished he could go back to that day and fix things. More than anything Gwaine wished he hadn't screwed up…again.

~.~.~.~

_Two weeks earlier:_

Gwaine chuckled to himself as he heard Merlin grumbling under his breath. The king and his servant had just been exchanging the playful banter that those closest to them had grown so accustomed to. It had ended as it always did, with Arthur ordering Merlin to shut up and Merlin grumbling made-up obscenities under his breath.

He glanced behind him at the other knights who wore similar expressions of amusement. Arthur and Merlin's friendship never got old. Gwaine groaned as he shifted on his horse. What did get old was sitting on a horse for too long with little relief.

Arthur glanced back at him and chuckled. "What's the matter Gwaine?" he teased.

"What's the matter is that we have been doing far too much riding and seen far too little action." Gwaine grumbled.

"Are you saying you dislike peace, Sir Gwaine?" Elyan half joked.

Gwaine sent him an exasperated look. "I'm just saying that I would give anything for a damsel in distress at the moment." Merlin groaned and shook his head at Gwaine.

Arthur, who had been listening, opened his mouth to respond but was cut off as a scream ripped through the air. The teasing look on his face quickly turned to one of alertness as he motioned for them to dismount their horses.

They moved silently through the forest, leaving the horses behind as they headed towards the sound of the scream. The clamor of a battle reached their ears, swords clanging together, men shouting, and the same scream again and again.

As they came stealthily over the hill, they finally saw the scene. There was a skirmish between a group of well dressed, uniformed men and a group of rag-tag looking bandits with crude weapons. Near the edge of the group, surrounded by bandits, was a woman in a white dress. Her gown was torn and hung off her shoulder as she tried to pull her arm free from a repulsive looking man. She was young and quite beautiful with golden hair and fair skin. Her dress was made of fine material, so she was either a noblewoman or wealthy. The men in uniform were obviously her guards, guessing by the way they fought against the bandits in their attempt to reach her.

"You were saying?" Merlin whispered into Gwaine's ear exasperatedly. Gwaine sent him a cheeky grin and raised his eyebrows happily. Merlin just rolled his eyes before they turned their attention to Arthur who had finished assessing the situation and began sending his knights in different flanking directions.

Gwaine, Arthur, and Merlin snuck up behind the bandits that were currently surrounding the screaming girl. Percival, Leon, and Elyan moved in from the sides to help the guards fight off the bandits who, though inexperienced, seemed to be winning by sheer force. Once Arthur knew they were all in place, he let out a terrific battle cry, startling all the bandits close to them as they charged into the clearing.

Arthur and Gwaine cut down three bandits, breaking through the wall that separated them from the young woman. Merlin stayed closed behind them, though what he was doing Gwaine wasn't really sure. He never really understood why Merlin hung around during the battles.

They reached the center of the melee and Arthur brought his sword down to slice through the arm of the man who was currently holding the damsel. The bandit saw him coming however and let go of her. She fell backwards towards the hard ground, but was met with Gwaine's strong arms instead. He smiled at her as she tried to pull herself away from him.

"You're safe now." he assured her. She looked around at the knights who were beginning to overwhelm the bandits. She stopped struggling as he placed her on her feet. The bandit who had been holding her was running towards the tree line. Arthur was fighting two others. Merlin stood near Gwaine with his attention focused on Arthur.

The girl's hand suddenly reached to her neck. There were scratches just below on her chest and a red ring around the base of her throat, as though someone had yanked something off with force.

"My necklace!" she cried in despair, turning towards the bandit who had run towards the trees. "It was my mother's!" The young woman turned her pleading eyes towards Gwaine. "Please! It's all I have left of her!" she begged.

Gwaine turned to look. Percival, Leon, and Elyan were fighting off the last few bandits with the aid of the guards. Arthur was now only fighting one bandit, and Gwaine knew the battle would be over soon. Arthur probably wouldn't approve, but turning back and seeing her eyes brimming with tears, Gwaine made his decision. He patted Merlin on the shoulder.

"Watch her for me, will you?" he asked, starting after the bandit.

Merlin turned towards him, taking a step in his direction as he ran off.

"Gwaine!" he shouted in protest, but Gwaine ignored him. He never could say no to a damsel in distress.

It didn't take Gwaine long to catch up to the man. He was limping, apparently having injured his leg either in the battle or in his mad dash to get away. Gwaine pounced on the fleeing bandit, tackling the man to the ground. Gwaine jumped to his feet as the thief arose a little more slowly. When he turned toward Gwaine, he had a knife in his hand.

Gwaine drew his sword and smiled at the bandit, challenging him. The man smirked back, eerily confident. Gwaine charged forward. It only took a few skilled blows before the man was lying on the ground bleeding out.

Gwaine looked down at him, his face somber. Killing was never something Gwaine enjoyed. He liked a challenge, but not always the end result. It was always hardest for him when the man he killed lay bleeding to death in front of him without a battle to distract him from what he had just done. He leaned down and grabbed the man by the collar.

"Where's the necklace?" he demanded.

The man coughed and then began to laugh weakly before holding out a simple necklace with a single gem which dangled before Gwaine's eyes. "You mean this?"

Gwaine snatched it out of his hand. The man began to look nervous as Gwaine began to walk away. He gathered his strength and spoke up urgently. "I think when you return you'll find she doesn't care for it as much as she let on."

Gwaine paused, turning back and glaring at the man. "What are you talking about?" he asked.

The man shrugged weakly, but allowed himself to relax a little now that he had Gwaine's attention. Gwaine noticed this and remained alert to his surroundings.

"I remember when she got it. Stupid little trinket; thought it was pretty. The vendor tried to swindle her, but she was too smart for that."

Gwaine's brow furrowed as he stalked over towards the man. "What the hell are you talking about?" he demanded grabbing him by the collar again and shaking him hard.

The man was dying but seemed quite relaxed now, his former nervousness gone. "It was pretty on her, she She wouldn't let me buy it for her of course. Too independent for that. She was always strong willed."

Gwaine was frantic now. He shook the man so hard that his head hit the ground with a thud. "I said, what the _hell_ are you talking about?!"

The man grimaced but looked Gwaine straight in the eye, his gaze challenging. "It was a distraction, mate." The man laughed. "Why don't you go and see what's happened to your precious king? If I'm not mistaken, he should be long gone by now."

Gwaine's heart raced as he threw the man to the ground, running back towards his king and fellow knights. The man had been trying to distract him for just a few more moments and it had worked. He should never have followed him in the first place. Gwaine ran over the hill and felt his breath catch in his throat.

The few bandits that had survived were now joined in their fight against the knights by the men in uniform. Percival, Elyan, and Leon were fighting with their backs pressed together, surrounded on all sides by the enemy.

Percival was fighting with his left hand, his right arm hanging limply at his side as blood oozed from a wound in his shoulder. Still, he was a force to be reckoned with. Leon's left arm clutched his ribs while he fought with his right. Elyan was uninjured but still had his hands full trying to compensate for the injuries of the other two.

Gwaine's eyes flashed towards Arthur and Merlin. The woman, who didn't look as helpless as Gwaine had first believed, stood between Arthur and his knights. Merlin was being held by one of the guards a few feet away, struggling to free himself.

The woman raised a hand towards Arthur, holding some sort of object out towards him, and Gwaine watched helplessly as he fell to the ground unconscious while two more men suddenly appeared and began to tie him up. Just then, another fake guard appeared in front of Gwaine, and he barely managed to raise his sword in time to block a blow. The man had a scar on the right side of his face, and the way his expression was twisted in anger made him look properly menacing.

Merlin's enraged shout rang through the clearing. When Gwaine looked back, he saw that Merlin had managed to escape his own captor, and the two men who had been tying Arthur up were on the ground a few feet away from him. Merlin was now standing between the sorceress and Arthur. The idiot was going to get himself killed! Gwaine tried to push the scarred man back, but he was more skilled than the bandit Gwaine had faced in the forest. Gwaine was struck with the horrific realization that he wouldn't get to Merlin in time.

He should never have left them. He knew the procedure: knights were not to run off on their own; but Gwaine had never been one to follow procedure. The rule had always been in place to protect the knights from danger. He was not afraid of being alone, but now he realized he should have been afraid of leaving his friends alone. Gwaine had assumed that Arthur could handle himself, had seen the battle-proficient warrior take down more men than Gwaine and Percival put together. However, not even Arthur could take on a sorceress by himself. If Gwaine hadn't been so blinded by the woman's beauty, perhaps he could have seen through her act.

Something sliced through his arm, and he grunted in pain before blocking another blow. He heard the sorceress' shrill laugh before she raised the magical device in her hand towards Merlin. Bone chilling words that Gwaine didn't understand rang through the air as he fought with greater ferocity. With a shout, Gwaine swung his sword at the man's neck, separating it cleanly from his shoulders. The scarred man's eyes were wide, with a look of surprise and shock as his body and head were separated, but Gwaine did not give him a second thought. He stumbled towards Merlin and Arthur. The words ceased from the sorceress' lips as Merlin cried out, and then joined his master, unconscious on the ground. The guards once again ran up to finish binding Arthur.

"Bring this one as well." Gwaine heard the sorceress' words over the clamor of the battle behind him. "He could prove useful."

One of the guards stood up, drawing his sword and turning to meet Gwaine. The knight's injured arm made fighting difficult, and by the time he had dealt a mortal blow to his opponent, the other man had finished tying Merlin up and was charging at Gwaine with his own sword. The woman walked around the prone figures on the ground, drawing a circular line in the dirt around them. She placed the amulet she had used on Merlin between them and then began to chant. The words sent a shiver of fear through Gwaine and gave him a renewed ferocity. A slice to the stomach killed the man in front of him, and Gwaine charged towards the woman and his friends.

The sorceress looked up, her cruel eyes meeting Gwaine's desperate ones for just a moment. She chuckled at Gwaine before placing her palms on the ground, behind the two unconscious men. Gwaine was only a few feet away now. The sorceress' eyes flashed gold, and the two men disappeared. Gwaine's sword was already moving towards the sorceress, only a step away. He stumbled in shock when Arthur and Merlin vanished but couldn't do anything to stop the sword as it sliced through her chest. She cried out in pain and fell backwards, blood pouring from the mortal wound.

Gwaine fell to his knees at the spot where he had last seen Merlin and Arthur, blood trickling from the wound in his arm. They were gone. There was no way to track them, and they had no clues to go on. They were just…gone, and Gwaine knew that it was all his fault.

**AN: So I hope to have the next chapter posted in the next week, no promises though, it is written but not edited and I do not know when my beta will be able to get to it. I really hope you guys are enjoying this story so far and that I do not kill you with suspense! Leave a review!**

**God bless!**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: First and foremost… I apologize for posting the wrong document. I still don't really know how that happened. Second of all here's the next chapter! I was really excited when this was finally edited. As I was writing the story I actually went back and completely rewrote chapter 3 and added this chapter so that's why it took so long to post last time. I know you're all eager so here's the next chap!**

**Enjoy!**

Leon had seen Gwaine rush from the clearing and cursed, half in worry for the man and half in frustration. Gwaine was always running off with little care for his own well being, but he didn't seem to realize that he was neglecting his own duties when he did this. Now Leon felt the urgency to join Arthur and Merlin by the young woman's side, but the bandits were numerous and he wasn't sure he would get there any time soon.

Leon couldn't help but smile grimly as they slowly overcame the bandits with ease. Gwaine had known when he left that they would most likely win and so hadn't been worried. Leon just hoped they could defeat them fast enough to chase after the errant knight.

Something hit him suddenly in the side and he cried out in pain. At the same time he heard Percival shout, but this was pushed to the back of his mind as the pain from his ribs took over his thoughts. Elyan shouted his name, jumping forward and blocking a blow from one of the enemy. Leon blinked, the man who had attacked him wasn't one of the bandits, it was one of the guards.

Leon quickly regained his senses and lifted his sword to block several more attacks from their would-be allies. He felt two others press their backs to his, and he glanced over at Percival to see where he was injured. Leon winced as he realized it was his good arm, but there was little he could do about it now other than fight as hard as he could.

He looked towards Arthur and saw Merlin being held by a man in uniform. The woman was holding an amulet in Arthur's direction. This was an ambush, Leon realized with dread. His attention was forced back to the battle as the men continued to throw themselves, almost recklessly at the knights. He and his comrades were cutting them down quickly, but the enemy far outnumbered them.

He heard a shout from Merlin, and shortly after heard Gwaine again as the battle progressed, but he couldn't spare even a glance in their direction.

All at once, the remaining men fell to the ground dead, leaving the knights standing in shock staring at them. He stepped over the many bodies of the fallen enemies and ran towards Gwaine who was kneeling in a circle of bare dirt. The sight caused Leon to pause for just a moment. The ground was devoid of any leaves or twigs and created a perfect circle. Arthur was nowhere to be seen and Leon's heart seized in dismay. Gwaine was facing him when the woman lying on the ground behind him moved weakly, but she was covered in blood and Leon knew she was not long for this world.

"Gwaine!" Leon shouted, meaning to question the knight further, but before he could get out another word, Gwaine seemed to snap to his senses. His eyes met Leon's briefly, full of confusion and utter sorrow before an angry fire lit within them, and rage became the predominant emotion on his facial features. He stood up quickly, turning around and kneeling beside the now dying woman.

Leon now stood beside Gwaine, looking over his shoulder at the woman. She had minutes, if not seconds, to live, guessing from the large, gruesome wound stretching across her torso. When Leon had first seen her he thought her to be beautiful. Now, whether because she was pale and dying or because he knew her true intentions, she looked plain. Not ugly, but not nearly as enchanting as he had first made her out to be… perhaps she actually had been enchanting them. She coughed and gasped, but still smirked at the knights surrounding her, focusing her attention on Gwaine who crouched next to her.

"Where are they?" Gwaine demanded, and it was at this moment that Leon ashamedly realized that Merlin was missing as well. He watched her reaction carefully, knowing she most likely would not give them the answer they desired, but knowing that whatever information she did give could be vital.

"Somewhere you will never find them." she choked out.

Leon spoke up. "Who are you?" he asked. Gwaine sent him a look that Leon couldn't decipher, but he focused his attention on the dying woman in front of them.

"My name is Lorraine." she said weakly, staring at the sky above her. She smiled, her teeth covered in blood. "But you don't really care about that." Her coughing and wheezing had ceased. Now she was just bleeding out, losing her strength. "You want to know about us." she said, motioning to the people around her. Leon didn't say anything. He just watched her anxiously, knowing time was ticking away. "We are a group of people who have been wronged by Arthur Pendragon." she finally said.

"Sorcerers?" Gwaine demanded.

Her bloody smiled closed but there was still a hint of morbid amusement in her eyes. "Only two of us." she told them. "My master and I."

"Who is your master?" Leon asked.

Lorraine's eyes got a faraway look. "A man of great vision and strength. Someone who has practiced magic secretly for many years in the hopes that someday those of our kind would be freed from tyranny."

"And the others?" Leon asked.

Her eyes skipped over to a headless body a few feet away. "Jax and Redd…" she whispered. "They couldn't use magic, but they had their own reasons for revenge, just the same."

Leon looked at the men dead on the ground. "What about the rest of them?" he asked.

She smiled weakly. "Merely controlled pawns at our fingertips. Now dead pawns. You'll find nothing from them." She looked first at Gwaine and then her eyes focused on Leon's, sending shivers up and down his spine. "My master will break him, and then he will destroy him. My part in this is complete."

The cold shiver disappeared in a rush of fiery anger, but Leon could not get to her before Gwaine.

The angry knight grabbed her by her shoulders, lifting her off the ground and shaking her. "Tell us where they are!" he demanded, but when the shaking stopped her eyes were staring blankly into the air.

She was dead, and they had no answers to go on.

~.~.~.~

_Present:_

Leon approached Gwaine carefully to where the man leaned against the wall of the building. He did indeed look like an ordinary man now and not a knight. He didn't wear his chainmail, just his plain clothes. Leon had just come from Gaius' quarters. He knew exactly what Gwaine was feeling.

"It was not your fault, Gwaine." he said. He had approached loudly so as to not startle the distraught knight. Gwaine was still staring at the ground but now raised his eyes to look at Leon sadly.

"That's where you're wrong, my friend. If I had stayed with them, done what I was supposed to, none of this would have happened." Gwaine sighed sadly.

Leon did not have a response to that. He himself had reprimanded Gwaine severely before realizing that there was nothing he could say to the man that was not already tearing him apart inside. Gwaine felt the guilt more strongly than any of the other knights, and with good reason. However, Leon knew that was not what he needed to hear right now.

Leon turned away from the wall, breathing in the brisk air and turning his face towards the sky. "I thought we had lost him that day." he admitted.

Gwaine didn't respond for a moment. "In a way we did… we lost both of them." he finally mumbled.

Leon's gaze dropped to his feet, and he sighed sadly before turning back to Gwaine. He placed a hand on his shoulder, "Whatever happened in the past, we cannot let it affect how we act in the future. Merlin and Arthur need you now." Gwaine didn't meet Leon's eyes but nodded. Leon gave him one final pat on the shoulder before heading back to the physician's chambers.

When he entered, Arthur had already been persuaded to go to his own bed. Merlin wouldn't wake for some time as his body fought off the poison. Gaius was already asleep at a table. Leon sat down quietly next to Merlin, staring down at the young man.

He had never known Merlin all that well, but they had bonded in a unique way. Merlin and Leon were both driven by the same desire to protect Arthur and Camelot. Because of that desire they had an intense respect for each other.

Leon had great regard for Merlin, and hated to see him like this. He had seen more suicidal men than anyone else other than Gaius or perhaps Arthur. He knew how these stories usually played out.

Leon took Merlin's limp hand in his and clasped it. The grasp was sloppy and uncomfortable, not nearly as satisfying as Leon would hope it to be. He frowned when he noticed a piece of cloth wrapped around Merlin's hand and then chuckled. When they had first found Merlin, this had been his only injury…a small cut to his palm. It was a minor injury and they had forgotten about it in their rush to leave the prison. It wasn't until they were halfway home that Leon noticed it hadn't been bandaged. Merlin was known for ignoring things like that. Leon had taken a piece of cloth and wrapped it around the hand hastily, and then they had continued home. The same bandage was wrapped Merlin's hand now. Either he had never taken it off or he had simply put it back on every time he had need to. Leon unwound the cloth and saw that the cut was nothing more than a triangular shaped scar now. He stared at it a moment absentmindedly before laying Merlin's hand down on the bed again. His mind wandering, his eyes haunted with memories, both good and bad.

Leon remembered a similar time when Merlin had taken a tumble down a hill. Arthur really wasn't exaggerating when he teased Merlin about his clumsiness. He had cut his arm and wrapped his neckerchief around it and then forgotten about it for several days. Leon smiled as he remembered the way the knights had teased him after the fall, once they knew he was alright. Merlin had acted grumpy but eventually took the teasing graciously. It was something Leon had always admired about Merlin. He knew how to take a joke, even when it was at his own expense.

Leon leaned back, dragging his hands across his face. He hadn't had to deal with something like this since Uther's reign, and in some ways this was so much different than all the ones before. He wondered what it was about Merlin that made him feel a bond almost closer than that of other knights from the past.

~.~.~.~

Two days later, Arthur returned to Gaius' chambers and found him asleep in his bed, probably having stayed up most of the night. The man was old and didn't have the energy he used too. Gaius must have known that he was better off renewing his energy to face Merlin when he was awake rather than watching him sleep.

Merlin had been moved back to his room, apparently out of danger for the moment and safer in more familiar surroundings away from dangerous objects like the poisons scattered around the room.

Arthur moved carefully through the main room so as not to wake the sleeping physician. He felt much better. Two days ago he hadn't thought he would be able to sleep. However, after getting into bed and lying with Guinevere stroking his hair and humming a sweet song, exhaustion had overtaken him. He had fallen into a deep and thankfully dreamless sleep.

Arthur had returned the next morning, but Merlin had not stirred throughout the day, and Gaius had assured him he would continue to sleep through the night. So Arthur had left again that evening, albeit reluctantly. However his sleep had been plagued with nightmares causing Arthur to wake early and seek out Gaius' chambers.

As he entered the room, Gwaine sat by Merlin's side, exhausted but vigilant. He had been sitting all night and most of the day before. Arthur knew that as a man of action, the sitting must be near torture. He moved to the chair on the other side of Merlin.

"Has he woken at all?" he asked.

The knight looked up at him blearily, but then shook his head and returned his gaze to Merlin. Despite being fogged with exhaustion, Gwaine still seemed as though he was searching for something. Answers, Arthur guessed. It was the same thing Arthur searched for in the young man's face. Merlin's brow was slightly furrowed, his hands clenched into fists.

Feeling slightly un-kingly, Arthur reached out a hand and rested it on Merlin's head. Merlin immediately relaxed under the pressure and went back to a peaceful sleep.

Arthur remembered Merlin's scream in that still vivid dream. What if that nightmare had been a warning for what was to come? He hadn't told anyone of the dream, not even Guinevere. It was too painful and too real to relive.

"Why?" Gwaine's voice croaked out, and Arthur realized it was the first time the knight had spoken since he arrived. "You were there. What did they do to him?" The man's voice was close to breaking as he turned his searching eyes to Arthur. The effects of a silent night with so many questions were evident upon his face, questions whose answers lay right in front of him, but were still out of reach.

Arthur shook his head. "We were separated the entire time. I know what Garlock did to me." He tensed even thinking about it. "I heard screams… or thought I did… but I have no idea what they did to him."

They were silent for a long while, watching their friend, the implications of those screams weighing heavily on both of them.

"He's always doing things for others. He never seeks praise. He just does what he thinks is best for everyone else," Gwaine said, a smile on his face. He looked up at Arthur, his expression turning to one of anger, though Arthur knew the anger was not directed at him.

"Why would he be so selfish now?"

Arthur opened his mouth but had no answers. "I don't know," he said. "I wish I did. I wish I had answers. I wish I had a cure to fix him…but I have nothing."

They sat for a long time in silence and finally Gwaine leaned back in his chair bringing his hands up to his face and dragging them through his hair before standing up.

"Gaius says he shouldn't wake up for a few more hours. I'm going to get breakfast. Do you want anything?" he asked.

Arthur shook his head. Gwaine left, leaving him to his thoughts. He stared at the door for a long while after watching the man leave, pondering all his questions, wondering what the answers could be. When he looked back at Merlin, he was startled to see two brilliant blue eyes staring back at him.

"Merlin!" Arthur stated in surprise.

Merlin said nothing at first, just stared at Arthur with an almost angry look in his eyes. His mouth opened, and his voice croaked with effort when he spoke.

"Why couldn't you just let me die?"

**AN: As always read and review! Next chap will be posted next week. I am making progress on the story, hopefully I will finish it and then chapters will be coming closer together. Until next week!**

**God bless!**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: So I apologize again for the mix up last week. I think many people may not have read the last chapter because of it. If you do not understand what happened basically I posted the wrong story as chapter 4 and had to go back and delete it then post the new chapter. So if for any reason you did not get to read chapter 4 I would definitely recommend reading it before this one :) **

**I know I have kept you guys waiting long enough so here's the next chapter! Enjoy!**

"_Why couldn't you just let me die?"_

Arthur's breath stopped at those words. "Merlin… what?" He had been thinking long and hard about what he would say to Merlin when he awoke, but all his wise words left him upon seeing those accusing blue eyes.

Merlin turned his head away.

Arthur reached out to touch his friend's shoulder, hoping to calm him the same way he had when he was asleep, but the young man startled away from his touch, almost falling off the bed. Arthur withdrew his hand and held it up in surrender. Merlin stiffened and Arthur slowly lowered his hand to rest on his knee. They sat in silence a few moments, Arthur trying to figure out what to say, and Merlin trying to ignore him.

"Merlin, I have to know." he said, calling his servant gently. He was almost completely sure that Gaius' conclusions were true, especially after what Merlin had just said, but there was still part of him hoping they weren't, and he had to ask. Merlin glanced back at him not quite meeting his eyes. His hands were clenched in fists and his breathing was a little faster than normal, but not fast enough to be concerning. "Did you try to kill yourself?" he asked.

Merlin didn't answer and the affirmative silence made Arthur feel like his whole world was crashing down around him. He stood up pushing his hands through his hair and turned around, limping slightly on his injured knee. "Why? Why, Merlin? Why?" It seemed that his mind could only form that one coherent question which he shouted at Merlin.

Merlin still did not look at him, but Arthur could see there was some kind of internal struggle going on inside of him. "Did…" Arthur hesitated not wanting to say Garlock's name, "he torture you? Did he mess with your head, make you feel like your life wasn't worth living?"

This time Merlin did look at him in surprise. "No…" he breathed. "Nothing like that." His eyes strayed away again quickly.

Out of all the things he expected Merlin to say, that hadn't been one of them. He collapsed back into the chair. "Then why?"

Merlin had relaxed some and his fingers played with the frayed edges of the blanket. He seemed to be struggling with some kind of answer.

"He showed me something."

"What?" Arthur asked his voice taking on a more demanding tone.

Merlin hesitated. "A sort of prophecy." Arthur frowned.

"What sort of prophecy?" his voice easing a little.

Merlin was silent. "It doesn't matter."Merlin stated turning his head away, obviously trying to end the conversation.

"Like bloody hell!" Arthur practically shouted standing up suddenly, his chair falling backwards behind him, letting his anger overcome him. "Merlin, you just tried to kill yourself! Whatever reason you decided to do that must have been pretty serious if you were willing to give up your life!"

Merlin looked up at Arthur, straight in the eye, as if challenging him as he responded. "He showed me a future where I cause your death." Arthur was floored. He didn't know how to respond to that. He stared at Merlin, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging slightly open. Merlin had always been fiercely loyal to him, and like Gwaine had said, everything he did was for others. It suddenly made sense that this would be the reason that Merlin would go to such extreme lengths, but while Arthur knew Merlin could be self-sacrificing, he never would have thought he would take it this far.

"The only way out of this is if I die." Merlin said and he took Arthur's silence for understanding. "That's why I did it. That's why I'll do it again. I have to die. I would gladly sacrifice my life for yours, Art—"

"Shut up." The words, though quiet, seemed to make the room colder.

Merlin tried again, frowning as if he didn't understand. "Arth—"

"NO _Mer_lin! Shut up! I don't want to hear this anymore! There is no reason that you would be the cause of my death. You are the most loyal friend I have, and I refuse to lose you because some stupid sorcerer told you some prophecy, and you were idiotic enough to listen!"

Merlin's mouth was closed, pressed together, his eyes wide as he listened. "Arthur you don't understand! I can't…" his voice faltered and his brows furrowed in concentration but he didn't continue.

"No more, Merlin. You won't do this again." He knew that ordering Merlin wasn't going to stop him, but frankly he was just too frustrated to care. "This is stupid… When have we ever gone through something that we didn't get out of together?" he asked.

Merlin stared at Arthur but didn't say anything, his mouth opened and closed but he couldn't find the words.

"Promise me, Merlin. Promise me you won't try again."

Merlin just stared at him. Arthur could see an internal struggle going on. It was a long time, but he finally said, "I promise."

Arthur relaxed, righted the overturned chair, and sat down. He didn't completely trust his servant, and he still expected to have people watching Merlin for some time to come, but it was a bit of a relief nonetheless. Merlin closed his eyes and leaned back, his fists clenching again, and his breathing coming quick. He seemed to be struggling still, but soon his hands relaxed and he breathed more deeply, not asleep just resting. They sat quietly like that for a long time, and then Merlin cleared his throat. Once and then twice, then smacked his lips together.

"Um… Arthur?" he asked. Arthur looked at his friend. "I'm kind of thirsty; sorry to ask but do you think you could…" The young man smiled awkwardly, his cheeks reddening in a blush. Arthur looked around, but there didn't appear to be anything in the room to drink. He got up and walked to the door, turning and giving Merlin one last look, but the young man looked too weak to even stand up.

He hurried down the steps and quickly found a water pitcher and cup with his back to the door. As he reached for them, he heard the door slam and something heavy being dragged in front of it. His eyes turned back to the now closed door with fear, and he raced up the steps.

"Merlin." he called, pounding on the closed door. "Merlin!"

Gaius was awake by now. "What happened?" he asked.

"He's locked me out." Arthur huffed.

"That door doesn't have a lock." Gaius said, his brain still sleep addled.

"He's put something in front of it." Arthur guessed. "Though how he moved so quickly in his state I don't know." Gaius was strangely silent, but Arthur didn't have time to ponder why.

Arthur threw his shoulder against the door, but it didn't give. "Merlin!" he cried. There was no response. "MERLIN!"

**AN: More suspense! Hope I am not killing you with it! You will be happy to know that I am making great progress with this story. The next five chapters have been written and edited. The following five have been written and just need to be edited and the five after that are written but I need to go back and add some things in from where I changed the plotline around, then they need to be edited and they will be ready as well. After that I do not know how many more chapters I will write but hopefully I will be able to get them out relatively quickly.**

**At the moment there are 21 chapters and more still to be written. I have enjoyed writing this story so much and I cannot wait to share the whole thing with you guys, my readers.**

**As always leave a nice review!**

**God bless!**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Updating a little early because I love you guys! This is one my favorite chapters because it is one of the original scenes I had in mind when I first thought to write this story. Not going to say anything else because I know the suspense is pretty rough right now. So here you go! Enjoy!**

Arthur hit the door several times with no effect. Merlin had been alone in there for several minutes now, and Arthur knew he couldn't break down the door on his own. Even though he had been hitting the door with his good shoulder, he could feel both his knee and other shoulder starting to throb with the effort. Despite that knowledge, he kept ramming into it and shouting, "MERLIN! OPEN THIS DOOR!"

"Get out of the way!" Arthur turned to see Gwaine barreling towards the door, not even having to ask what was going on. He had just enough time to move out of the way before Gwaine hit the door full force. It didn't budge. He backed up and hit it again. Still nothing.

Arthur could feel the pain of all his unhealed wounds after repeatedly ramming into the door, but he wasn't about to give up on his friend. He pulled Gwaine back so they could work together, and they both prepared themselves. When Arthur nodded they ran at the door simultaneously hitting it with their shoulders. The door toppled in, the heavy wardrobe in front of it fell forward onto the end of Merlin's bed causing it to break and splinter.

Arthur and Gwaine looked up from their position on top of the fallen door and wardrobe searching the room wildly. In the corner Arthur spotted Merlin, a piece of sharp glass clutched in his hand so tightly his fingers were bleeding, but there was more blood coming from somewhere else on his body. More glass was scattered around the window right next to him, and a breeze hit Arthur from the now exposed window. It was obvious where Merlin had gotten the shard.

"No." Merlin said desperately, his voice pleading, his eyes widening in fear and confusion. "Please... don't..." Gwaine jumped up and ran over to Merlin, but stopped short, his eyes widening in shock at what he saw. Arthur was right behind him, staggering painfully, and his breath hitched in his throat at what he saw. Two long red lines streaked both of Merlin's wrists. Arthur had witnessed more than one suicidal man, but this method was foreign to him. At first he wondered how severe the damage could be, but Merlin was losing blood quicker than Arthur expected. It was coming out so fast! Arthur swallowed, feeling sick to his stomach, before kneeling down and looking back at Gaius who watched from the door, ready to act if need be.

"Get some bandages!" he shouted. The physician turned around quickly.

Arthur reached for Merlin's wrists, but Merlin jerked his hands away. "NO!" he shouted and swung the sharp glass at Arthur's hands clumsily. Arthur could tell he wasn't really trying and that the movement was more of a plea than a warning. Merlin stood up trying to inch away from Arthur, but he was bleeding fast and already unsteady on his feet. His eyes were wide and wild staring at Arthur, so he didn't see when Gwaine suddenly appeared from the side, practically tackling Merlin. He wrapped his arms around the suicidal man's upper torso and clamping Merlin's arms to his chest and holding him still. Arthur was up in seconds yanking the glass from Merlin's hand, cutting his own as he did so, but not caring at the moment.

Gaius appeared, climbing over the door and wardrobe with the bandages. Despite knowing what he would find, Gaius couldn't help but gasp. Arthur held Merlin's wrists in his hands trying to stem the blood flow with his bare fingers, but he let go and helped Gwaine hold Merlin down while Gaius tried to bandage the wounds.

Even with the blood loss, Merlin kept fighting and shouting and making it very difficult for Gaius to help him.

"Merlin, friend, stop!" Gwaine pleaded. "Either you let us help you now or you pass out and we'll help you then."

Merlin hesitated only a moment longer before admitting defeat, and went slack in Gwaine's arms. They slumped to the ground together, Merlin's back pressed up against Gwaine's chest as he sobbed, but he held still as Gaius bandaged his wounds.

"Sire," Gaius' voice trembled, "there's a potion on the table with a yellow lid. Please bring it to me."

Arthur nodded and stood up, feeling dizzy. He braced himself on the wall before pushing off, climbing over the wardrobe. He was back a few moments later and collapsed at Gaius' side, the whole ordeal exhausting him more than a full day of training would. His hands were covered in Merlin's blood. He looked at the young man. The bandages around his wrists and hands were already soaked through.

Merlin silently sobbed into one of Gwaine's knees, and Arthur could hear the slightly older man whispering calming words to his younger friend, which he doubted were having any effect. Merlin was more determined to attain his goal than any man Arthur had ever met, even going so far as to break a promise to Arthur, something he had never known Merlin to do. Arthur felt the guilt rising up in him. Merlin was manic to end his life for Arthur, how could he not feel responsible for that?

"Please," the heart wrenching cry caused Arthur to look Merlin straight in the eyes. "Please just let me go." His eyes looked up at Arthur's with such pleading that Arthur almost felt guilty at refusing him. Those eyes made his heart fill with sorrow. "I can't… I can't do this…"

Merlin was a broken man in front of him. What Garlock had done was worse than killing him; it was like he had crushed his soul. The memory of Merlin's nightmarish scream haunted Arthur once again and he couldn't find the words to speak.

It was Gwaine that responded. "Friends never give up, Merlin, and they never let go."

Merlin slumped even further into Gwaine's arms, and Arthur knew that the words had not been comforting at all.

Gaius helped Merlin drink the sedative and the boy was soon asleep again. For a moment they all just sat there, on the floor, silent except for the panting breaths. Gwaine looked towards the ruined bed and then towards the wardrobe in front of the door, seemingly trying to figure out what to do with the unconscious Merlin. He didn't say anything though, and Arthur had a feeling he was perfectly content to sit there and hold his friend.

"What happened?" Gwaine asked. There was no discernible emotion in his voice yet his face was swimming with a variety of them.

Arthur sighed. "Merlin woke up. We talked. I made him promise not to try again… He promised..." The hurt at this broken promise caused Arthur's voice to catch ever so slightly before finishing his story. "I was only gone for a few seconds..." Arthur went to drop his head in his hands only to stop when he saw they were still covered in blood.

"Come on," Gaius said, "We can put Merlin in my bed again, and you can both clean yourselves up while I tend further to his injuries."

Gwaine lifted the slight frame of Merlin, seeming even slighter now in his frail state. They climbed back through the door, and did as Gaius said. It wasn't until Arthur had begun washing his hands that he remembered the cut on his palm. He hissed as the cool water seeped in.

That was all that was needed before the skilled healer was right next to him, twisting his hand around. He pulled Arthur over to his bench and proceeded to bandage the injury. Arthur stared at the still form of Merlin the whole time.

"Take off your shirt Arthur." Gaius instructed. Arthur frowned at him in confusion.

The physician pointed to the wound on Arthur's shoulder, which he now realized had reopened and was bleeding through his shirt. He obediently slipped the shirt off and felt Gwaine's eyes on him, inspecting every cut on his torso, every scar that had once been a wound, each black bruise that was slowly turning yellow. Gwaine met his eyes for only a moment. Arthur could see guilt and regret there before he turned his face back to Merlin.

"None of this is your fault, Gwaine. No one could have predicted the ambush," Arthur told him quietly as Gaius redressed his wound. Gwaine knew it was pointless to argue, so he simply nodded his head and turned his attention back to Merlin.

When Arthur stood back up to sit down next to Merlin, he almost collapsed. Gwaine, who was standing nearby, caught him before his knees could hit the floor.

"Sire, I must insist you return to your chambers and rest. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't have even let you out of bed yet." Gaius chastised.

"I have to tell you a few things first." Arthur said, and with the help of Gwaine he sat down next to Merlin again. Gaius and Gwaine took positions around the pale man on the bed but focused their attention on Arthur.

He took a deep breath before telling them about the prophecy. Gwaine and Gaius watched him intently. "Merlin claims that the only way to keep this prophecy from happening is to kill himself."

Arthur's gaze dropped to his folded hands. Guilt wracked his soul even as he wanted to blame Merlin and his stupid sense of loyalty and self-sacrifice. Merlin was only in this condition because of him.

"Did you find out anything else?" Gaius asked.

"No." Arthur said. "I planned to ask more but… I didn't get the chance."

They were silent for awhile and then it was Gwaine who spoke. "Why did he wait?" he asked, and his tone was a mixture of curiosity and confusion.

Arthur frowned and looked up at the knight. Gaius too stared at him as if asking him to elaborate.

Gwaine continued. "We rescued you a full week ago, why did he wait till now to start doing… this?" Gwaine asked gesturing to the still form in between the three of them.

Arthur and Gaius looked at each other as if both wondering the same thing, but neither of them had an answer. Arthur pushed a hand wearily through his hair. It seemed like the more they tried to get to the bottom of this, the more questions they discovered, and the less answers they had. How do you keep a man alive who is hell bent on destroying himself? Especially when that man is as stubborn and determined as Merlin…

**AN: Alright, so leaving you on a less suspenseful note, but I fully expect you to come back and read more! There's so much more to this story and I think you'll enjoy every bit! Leave a review!**

**God bless!**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Hello! How are you all doing? Hopefully great now that you get to read the next chapter of my story! Enjoy!**

Elyan sighed exhaustedly as he collapsed on the bench next to Percival, who was removing his armor after a day of training. He looked as tired as Percival felt, which was saying something. Leon had been on edge during training, everyone had been lately, all because of Merlin. Percival and Elyan, while good friends of Merlin, probably felt it the least out of the group.

"How's Merlin?" Percival asked, not really sure he wanted to know. The other knight had gone to visit him, forgoing training to do so.

Elyan breathed out again. "Sleeping, for now. I have yet to see him awake actually."

Percival nodded. "Me either."

Elyan chuckled. "When I first met Merlin, I did not know he was a servant. I thought he was a knight or something. He did not really look the part, but he was by Arthur's side in the midst of danger." Percival smiled, not at all surprised. "When Gwen told me that he was Arthur's servant I was shocked." Elyan glanced up at Percival and then away again. "Now after years of being around it, I think Merlin's loyalty has become almost commonplace. He charges into battles with no weapons, not that he could use any if he had them. He's always chasing after Arthur even if the odds are stacked against them. He's the one who is always by Arthur's side."

Percival's face had gone blank as he stared into space, his mind wandering. "The first time I heard of Merlin was from Lancelot. I was with him when he got the message from Merlin to come to the aid of Camelot. The way he acted, I thought that the letter had been sent by some important official." Percival looked at Elyan. "When I finally met him, I had much the same reaction you did."

He was silent a moment before continuing. "I do not know what it is, but Merlin is much more than a servant. I think Lancelot saw it much more clearly than I ever did. He never questioned Merlin, always did what he asked without hesitation." Percival frowned. "It was like he knew something about Merlin that the rest of us did not."

Elyan nodded in agreement. "I always got that impression as well. Merlin was more relaxed around Lancelot as well. They were good friends… until…" The conversation halted, drifting into an uncomfortable silence as they remembered the pain and confusion they had all felt after Lancelot's betrayal.

They sat in silence until Elyan got up to pace. "I wish there was something I could do… not just for Merlin… for all of them." Percival nodded, remembering the pain in his king and queen's eyes, in Gaius' and Gwaine's. It was difficult to see close friends in such pain.

"How is Gwaine?" Percival asked.

Elyan smiled softly. "He never leaves Merlin's side, not even Gaius is with him as much."

Percival nodded. Gwaine and Merlin were close, always had been for as long as the two had known them. They had both seen how the days of Arthur's and Merlin's imprisonment had torn at the knight. They doubted anyone would be able to pry Gwaine from Merlin's side for a long time.

~.~.~.~

When Merlin awoke again, Gwaine was glad it was just the two of them. He wanted… no… needed to talk to Merlin privately. Arthur had brought another bed up, though he had them remove the door and even the wardrobe from Merlin's room. Servants came and cleaned up the blood, and someone covered the window with a heavy blanket to keep the draft out, though it was yet to be repaired. Merlin was once again sleeping in his own room; Gaius in his own bed.

Merlin's eyes blinked open and focused on the man sitting next to him. Gwaine had been entertaining himself by counting the cracks in the ceiling but glanced down every once in a while at Merlin. He looked down now at the raven haired man and then back up…and then did a double take.

Merlin's eyes met Gwaine's, and they just stared at each other. Merlin gulped as he stared into eyes of betrayal and hurt, eyes brimming with tears. Gwaine swallowed as he stared back into eyes that had not lost their determination but were now tinged with guilt. Merlin blinked first and looked away, a small but completely fake smile settled on his lips.

"What time is it? Don't you have a beautiful barmaid you should be flirting with?" The joke seemed to fall on deaf ears, and when Merlin looked back at Gwaine, the look he got silenced him.

"Why?"

It was a simple word, with so much pleading and misery behind it, as well as a longing just to know. It was a word Gwaine had asked several times over the last twenty-four hours, but had yet to get an answer to.

"Arthur's told you what I told him, I'm sure." Merlin muttered.

"Rubbish." Gwaine snapped back. "You're not one to believe in such garbage so easily. I know you would give your life for Arthur, as would I, but this…"

Merlin looked away. "You don't understand, Gwaine."

"Then explain it to me, _Mer_lin!" Gwaine barked, both of them wincing at Gwaine's Arthur-like emphasis on his name.

Merlin stared at him. Gwaine's jaw was set firmly, his breathing fast, but what or who he was angry with, Merlin wasn't completely sure. He might be angry at Merlin of course; that was completely logical, but Merlin thought he would be equally as happy to flog the sorcerer who started this whole thing. Too bad he was already dead. Merlin grimaced and closed his eyes frowning in concentration like he did often nowadays. Finally he answered Gwaine, but still didn't meet his eyes.

"I… saw the future with my own eyes, Gwaine. Do you know what it's like to see the future? It gets in your head, makes you question everything you do. It drives you mad!"

Gwaine leaned forward. "Merlin…"he said kindly. Merlin ignored him.

"It is my destiny to serve and protect Arthur. It is a destiny you will never understand, and it weighs even more heavily than that prophecy, but… seeing… what I saw… there is no way that I will not do everything in my power to stop it." Merlin's words were faltering, and Gwaine could see he was trying to hide something… or perhaps he did not completely understand himself.

"What did you see Merlin?" Gwaine asked curiously.

The look of concentration returned.

"I saw Arthur dying because of me," he finally said; giving no other details.

"Did you, now?" Gwaine asked. "How?"

Merlin balled his hands up in frustration. "You don't believe me."

"I think you've been mislead, Merlin. That sorcerer is even more twisted than I thought. He couldn't just kill you, he wanted to break you, and everyone around you. Arthur, Gwen, the knights, Gaius… your closest friends."

"No…" Merlin said adamantly. "If I live Arthur will die."

Gwaine ground his teeth together. "Then tell me! How?"

Merlin glared at Gwaine, and then for a moment his face melted into a defeated look. He opened his mouth to say something when suddenly his head snapped back, and he was staring at the ceiling, panic masking his face. He shouted as though he was fighting something, and then he was hyperventilating. His back arched off the bed, the color drained from his face, and he started shaking. At first it was just small trembles, but soon his body started convulsing. Gwaine leaned forward, his eyes betraying his panic, his hands held out trying to calm the anxious Merlin.

"Woah woah… Merlin… mate… calm down!" he called frantically but got no response. The boy was thrashing so hard Gwaine was afraid he would hurt himself. He put his hands on Merlin's shoulders, trying to hold him still. He saw the potion on the table by the bed that Gaius had left in case Merlin woke and became agitated. He was plenty agitated now. Gwaine jumped up to grab it, running back and tilting Merlin's jerking head up.

"Shh shh friend. There you go." He held the potion up to Merlin's lips, and the boy struggled to drink it, bits of it pouring down his cheeks and dribbling off his chin, but it had the desired effect. Merlin calmed almost instantly, and within moments he was asleep.

Gwaine leaned back and sighed in relief. There were two things he was sure of; there was more to this story than met the eye, and he would do everything in his power to protect Merlin until they could fix this. He owed him that.

**AN: Ooo… so a few questions answered maybe? Or maybe not? Seems to me that there is more mystery to be unveiled! Keep reading to figure out exactly what did happen to Merlin.**

**As always leave a review!**

**God bless!**


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